The Rehab Diaries - Some Lessons Learned If you’ve been following along, you know I started out as a Newbie, and now I have my Masters in Disasters, and I’m working on my PHD in rehabbing, that’s Professional Heavy Duty to the uninitiated. Anyway, I thought I would pass on a few hard-earned lessons I’ve learned along the way. Not in any particular order, just some things you don’t want to try at home. First off, I found out there are two types of electricity in my house. There’s the regular type, and then there’s the HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL type. I found this out when I accidentally got some wires crossed while I was installing a ceiling fan. It seems everything works fine in the OFF position, but if you turn it to LOW it spins faster than that Condy Rice at a White House press conference. The HIGH position only worked for a short time before the blades flung everywhere and the motor did a Bill O’Really impression, if you get my drift. Anyway, if you are into rehabbing your gonna need a ladder. I’d recommend home delivery of this item. Trust me on that one. There’s two things you need to know when using a ladder. Don’t put the bottom of the ladder right up against the house, and don’t wear those rubbery ‘Flip Flops’. Now putting the bottom of the ladder uptight against the house seems like a good idea at first because it reaches higher. It’s only after the first couple of rungs up the ladder that this strategy unravels. Here’s what I recommend, let go of the ladder. Let go before you hit the ground. I know you paid a lot for it, and you want to protect it, but let go of it anyway. Those rose bushes will break its’ fall and a ladder with a few scratches isn’t the end of the world. Besides, you’ll rip that new bathing suit you bought to match your flip flops, and wake up the neighbors to boot. Anyway, when it comes time to choose a paint there’s the water based type, the oil based type, and this ‘how the begeeses am I gonna get this outta my hair type’. Here’s a little tip from Ol’ Cletus...once that gallon of paint falls off the ladder and lands all over you, that silly painters hat they gave you won’t do squat. In fact if you then put that hat on and somehow find yourself taking a nap before you get the paint out of your hair, that cap will remove more of those expensive ‘plugs’ than that ceiling fan in the High position. So you may want to bring that hat to your next appointment. Anyway, it’s not a good idea to just reach into dark places or crawl under the house without some kind of protection. Why? Spiders, that’s why. I don’t mean those ordinary spiders like the kind you took to school to impress the girls. I’m talking the kind the Japanese make movies about! One bite from those rascals and your forearm swells up so big you’ll make Popeye jealous. And the jokes from the guys down at the ‘Hangover Hangout’ like “Hey, is that your new girlfriend?” It’s really hurts. And it’s not just the spiders either. I still seem to have a case of overactive crotch crickets I must have gotten in that crawl space, or maybe it was that darn ‘Johnny on the Spot’ I rented before I got the plumbing under control. Who knows. Anyway, when you’re having the chimney cleaned, and the Sweep is on the roof doing his thing, it’s not a good idea to stick your head in the fireplace and ask him how long his break is gonna last. They must have a class at Sweep School like ‘Fun Things to do with Gravity’ or something. I bet this guy got an ‘A’. Anyway, if you have an Electric Furnace its not a good idea to ‘Turbocharge’ it by hooking up the gas line to it. It only works once and for a short time at that. It also voids the warranty, and makes you feel like an idiot after the firemen leave. The good thing though is it kills a lot of those nasty spiders from the smoke and heat, and everything tastes like BBQ for the next week. Anyway, my plumber sold me this thing they call a ‘Bidet’. I wasn’t sure what is was for, but he said I needed one to meet code (a little rehab lingo). He said if he connected it directly to the hot water pipes it would save on some installation costs. Now the first time I turned it on I was quite amazed, the water shot upwards instead of downwards. I never did ask him what its used for, but after a while I figured it out myself. Those Europeans are clever fellows, who would have thought it would be considered ‘fashionable’ to shave while kneeling down and have your face rinsed that way. I can’t wait till my girlfriend sees this. Anyway, that’s all for now. I want to watch ‘48 Minutes’, seems Mary Kate and Ashley are really the same person, they just used puppets all these years, so I don’t want to fall asleep before that comes on. Oh, and one more thing. If you have that other type of electricity hooked up to your doorbell, disconnect it before the Domino's guy gets there. Seems even Paramedics hate burnt pizza. I’ll keep you posted. Cletus
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