New House Blues Well, I sat back long enough and watched everybody else in town buy their own house even if they couldn’t afford it. So I took the plunge and got me one of those ARM and LEG mortgages just like the rest of those folks. It was a lot easier than I thought, and my loan broker filled in all the gaps on the apps that would have prevented me from getting a real loan, so I got that goin for me. It was the Adjustable Rate Mortgage with the Lost Equity Guarantee. Maybe you’ve heard of it. Anyway, once I moved into my new digs I noticed something was missing. Well not really missing, it was never there in the first place. Of course I’m talking about the one thing that really makes a house a home. A big screen HDTV with the new ear wax melting super surround life-like ultra-sensory overload sound system that makes the hum of a butterfly sound like a flight of B-29s over Tokyo on a clear day. My 16 inch B+W makes the hum of butterfly sound like the hum of a butterfly. It must be the vacuum tubes. Anyway, as soon as I had that system delivered I noticed something was missing. Well not really missing, it was never there in the first place. Of course I’m talking about the one thing that really makes a house a home. A Crazy Boy recliner with the new SlothMax super surround life-like ultra-sensory overload vibratory heat and massage package that actually oozes essential oils from the pores of the leather making for a sensual experience that can best be described as ‘better than a set of double Ds’. And with a built-in cup holder that can handle a tall boy, no less. Anyway, as soon as I had that recliner delivered I noticed something was missing. Well not really missing, it was never there in the first place. Of course I’m talking about the one thing that really makes a house a home. No, not the wet bar with room for a full kegger, that came with the house. I traded my carpet allowance for it. Besides, that concrete slab handles the spills better and can actually be hosed down after a party. I’m talking about my top of the line Jacuzzi with the new Mermaids’ Breath super surround unlife-like ultra-sensory overload bubble system. It’s unbelievable. Anyway, no sooner do I get settled into a comfortable routine when the one thing that makes a home a house rears its ugly head. Of course, I’m talking about The Payments! Now, when I filled out the credit apps for all that stuff, including the mortgage, I was feelin pretty good about my chances. I had total strangers helping me fill those apps out, and to say they made me look pretty good, would be like calling Shania Twang attractive. Unfortunately for me my position as CEO of www.rehabadabado.com isn’t bringin the bucks in quite like what was stated on all that paperwork. And to make matters worse, my dreams of buying that sexy new XL 350TD-BFD Super Custom dually with the double turbo chromed intercoolers and optional rich Corinthian leather is starting to look like it might be unrealistic at this point. A lot depends on who’s helping me fill out the paper work, of course. Anyway, somethin has to give. At some point my personal responsibility to support this growing economy by doing my part as a concerned consumer is gonna run head on into the reality that just because they make it doesn’t mean I have to buy it. But I’m expected to, and besides, it’s not my money. Some of it won’t be my money for thirty years, yet I can still spend it. How cool is that. Anyway, I wonder if them lottery folks are in on this. Which reminds me, I better check my numbers for last nights lotto. I have my eye on one of those new fangled ‘Tone 2 the Bone’ home gyms that will make me look like Charles Atlas on steroids, and all I have to do is look at it for twenty minutes a day, three times a week. Of course I will have to build an addition on the house for a dedicated work-out room with a steam room and sauna just to house the sucker, so winnin that lottery prize will be just the ticket. No pun intended. However, I’ll still fill out the HELOC app just in case. After all, what could go wrong. Cletus
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