Air Apparent Let’s face it, one of the nice features of living near the airport is cheap rent. The volume knob on my TV has enough numbers to compensate for any noise bouncing off the clouds from all those motors up there, so I got that going for me. Besides, who didn’t grow up wanting to be a flight attendant in spirit, but ended up being a rehabber through divine fate. Anyway, a friend came by the other day and told me about the benefits of sound proofing my front door. He tells me if you have something like ‘lead’ in the middle of the door, the sound can’t get through. Now, I know a lot about lead, but I can’t imagine how many pencils it would take to fill-in that big an area, but when I tried it on a piece of notebook paper, I wasted the better part of an afternoon. I didn’t have a full pencil to start with, so don’t ask me how many I used. Let’s just say my supply line went from my apartment all the way across town to the Chris Shinkel Memorial Lanes bowling alley. Anyway, I never needed any of those tiny little missing erasers, so that turned out to be a godsend. Once you’re committed to all that coloring, erasing it just seems like you’re working backwards. Which begs the question, “Why does it always take longer to undo what it is we do do?” You would think that if you repelled down a 12 foot rope the trip back up would be a little harder. But nobody ever talks about the rope burns that make that trip back up the rope more painful than finding out that constant thud you hear coming from your clothes dryer is really Mr. Wild Ride, that toad you had as pet for all those months. But that’s another story. Anyway, as luck would have it, the galaxies of my world collided and I was informed that I had lead based paint on the all the trim work on my latest rehab. Apparently it can flake off and get lost in a bowl of Kapt’n Krunch. Then it sinks to the bottom of your feet and you end up with a bunch of speeding tickets. That’s why we need to keep our kids safe from this. Besides, that Kapt’n Krunch has sugar in it. And we all know what that can do to the 10:00 o’clock news ratings. Those folks don’t get paid for nothing! Anyway, back to my story’, it seems that swinging doors come in solid core and hollow core. Now, why the difference? Simple, you can fill the hollow doors, but you can’t empty the solid doors. At least that’s what my painter says. He should know, he’s a genius. He came up with the idea of sound proofing my front door using the lead paint chips he gets from all the trim work he’s redoing. And I always thought those paint fumes were harmful. Anyway, all was going well at first. He drilled a large hole at the top of my apartment door and filled it with all the paint chips. Here’s a little tip from Ol’ Cletus’, dry the paint chips first. Seems that nasty old paint stripper dissolves door glue as well. I didn’t find that out until the next day when I went to open the door and it dumped the whole mess onto my new carpet. Ok, it was the landlord’s carpet, so technically ‘it’s not my problem’. Anyway, here’s where I think I made my first mistake. Since you need to dry out the chips it was obvious they would dry better if they were spread out instead of in the pile they made when the door skins fell off. So I spread them around and went to get some door glue. By the time I got back with the glue, the paint chips had dried and stuck to the carpet like your tongue sticks to a lamp post in the dead of winter. I don’t remember reading about this problem when I glossed over the directions on the stripper label. Perhaps this would be a good case for my lawyer Johnny Cockring to look into. He’s 'the best' at cutting the mustard when you can’t ketchup. Cha-ching! Anyway, my landlord had better come here toots pronto and get this mess cleaned up. I have enough work just getting my rehab in shape and I sure don’t have the time to pick up his slack, that’s for sure. It wasn’t my fault that the front door fell apart, I’m just the innocent bystander here. Besides, I already bought the glue so I don’t see where he has any room to complain. Maybe the next time my painter has any bright ideas I’ll run ‘em by my plumber. You don’t see him getting high on fumes while he’s working, at least judging by HIS facial expressions. Cletus
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